Progress

My mom had a conversation with Beezer right before Cory's birthday.  Apparently Scoot's mom had asked if my family and I had been invited to the "regular" birthday party.  Beezer explained that we were having a special get-together separately.  Scoot's mom said that she would be okay if we were invited to the same party as them in the future.  That is a huge step for her.  Before that conversation Scoot's parents were not comfortable around my parents and I suspect they were not comfortable around me either.

I should be thrilled about this.  It really is a big deal.  For now I am pessimistic as it will be a whole year before we can test what she claimed.  Will she still be "okay" with being around us at Cory's fourth birthday party?  Only time will tell.  Until then I remain cautious and skeptical.  I will not be getting my hopes up for a year just to have them shattered in the end.

Yes, this is the wrong attitude.

Birthday Drama/Trauma

Normally I am a wreck for months prior to Cory's birthday.  This year it wasn't as bad but I was still a bit "off" as I said in the previous post.  I still had a meltdown in the middle of Target :p

Like a true procrastinator, I left the birthday shopping until the day of our get-together.  I knew exactly what I wanted to get Cory, a Cars-themed pillow and blanket to go on his new big boy bed, and I knew exactly where to get it.  On my way to Target I got a call from mom.  My sister was already out shopping and had picked up the pillow and blanket for my parents to give to Cory.  This distressed me more than it should have.  I called Lisa on her cell phone and got the voicemail.  I tried again a few minutes later.  Again a few minutes after that.  Then again and again and again until I was so distraught at the idea of not being able to give Cory the pillow and blanket that I was near sobbing.  All this time I was walking around Target with a stupid GeoTrax Mater car that made annoying sounds every time I accidentally shook it.  I was also getting repeat phone calls from a rather annoying member of the discussion boards who had just finished writing a flaming post saying nasty things about me.  Apparently she wanted to "dialogue" with me about the many ways in which she decided I had wronged her.  Not exactly a good day to dialogue. 

Finally my sister returned my call.  It took everything I had left to not yell at her needlessly.  After all, it wasn't her fault I was having a meltdown in Target.  I explained my drama and we worked things out so that I bought the toy car for my parents to give Cory and I would get the pillow and blanket.  As if who gave what to whom really mattered in the long run.

Why was the pillow and blanket so important?  It really wasn't.  Yes, I wanted to give those specific items to Cory for what I thought were good reasons.  It wasn't worth a meltdown and I see that now.  The point is that I thought I was doing so well this year.  I wasn't overly morose, hard to live with or exceptionally moody.  There were no meltdowns prior to that or any times that I lashed out at a family member for no reason.  I thought I was dealing better, perhaps healing.  Oh well.  I did do better this year than the last two and each year will continue to improve.  For now I will focus on that good stuff and let the meltdown be part of my past.

Birthday party

You could say I have been emotionally blocked for a while.  Anything that requires thought or feeling has been set on the back burner due to the lack of energy and inspiration to deal with emotional stuff.  I have theories attempting to explain why but I'll save that for another time.

My sweet boy turned three this year.  Still hard to believe it has been that long since he was solely mine.  I have been dealing better this year than in years past, but I still struggle.  A friend agreed that I have been slightly "off" buy not as much as last year.  Good to know.

We had our traditional family birthday celebration at White Fence Farm this year.  They have the best hush puppies around (covered in powdered sugar -- how could you go wrong?), petting zoo, country-style store, huge indoor play area and live music in the evening.  The food was delicious and most of our time was spent playing with Cory and chasing him all over the play area and store.  He opened presents and loved the GeoTrax car we gave him.  We were able to get Cory to sit still long enough to take the family picture that you saw in the last post.  Last time we did that was when he turned one and I wasn't even in that picture.

I don't remember any awkward moments during dinner or play time.  We are comfortable around each other and enjoy hanging together as family.  We are fortunate to have a good relationship with each other.

That is the birthday party in a nutshell.  It was fun and we will probably go to the same restaurant next year making a part of our tradition.

Birthday

I have been trying to find the time to write about Cory's 3rd birthday last week.  Unfortunately, school, work and life in general have been getting in the way so it needs to wait a little bit longer.

So that I'm not leaving you with nothing, here is a great picture of our family.  My younger sister, my mom, me, Cory, Beezer, Scoot and my dad.  My twin sister was out of town and unable to make it to the family party.

Open Adoption Roundtable #7

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.


You can view the original post HERE on Production Not Reproduction.



Where do you draw the lines--on your blog and in your personal life--and why? What, if anything, don't you tell?

There is little about my open adoption experience I am unwilling to share.  The whole purpose of my blog is to give the world a glance into the life of a birth mother.  I am here to educate, give perspective and sometimes even entertain.  :). That does not mean that everything makes it into my blog.  There are some thoughts and experiences that are just for me and no one else.  For example, there are certain letters or emails from Scoot and Beezer that are just for me.  There are interactions I have with Cory, sweet moments, that are just for me.

In general, I love sharing bits of my life with others.  Part of how I cope is letting my moments of grief and times of joy be useful or encouraging to others.  If I change the life of only one person by writing about my experiences then this is worth it (I know that is cliche!).  

The only thing I have changed in way of privacy since I started this blog is the usage of names.  I will use initials or nicknames for people to protect their privacy.  Occasionally I will do a Google search for the people I have talked about in my blog to be sure they are not traced to my blog.  The only name I accurately use is Cory's.  Many people would have a problem with this but I have my personal reasons for doing so that I do not feel I need to justify.  If asked by Scoot and Beezer to cease and desist I would, but so far it has not come to that.

Different Way of Thinking

It stuck me the way other day just how much adoption has affected me in almost every way.  My mom and I went over to Cory's house Thursday night to babysit so Beezer could go to worship practice at church.  He has been getting over a cold and has been very attached to momma lately and would not stop crying or let momma go.  She tried to pass him to me so that she could make a run for it but I ended up having to take him from her, go upstairs and sit in his room with him until she made it out the door.  I think it was a bit traumatic for him :(.  Cory cried the entire time momma was gone.  Most of the time he stood by the glass patio door looking and pointing outside crying "momma, mmm-momma, momma."  It was heartbreaking to hear him cry like that.  Eventually, Beezer did come home and consoled him.  Once it was clear that momma was not leaving but my mom and I were he was much happier.

Yesterday I spent the entire day with my friend A and her two boys.  Those boys love me and have no probably with me carrying them around, feeding them lunch, changing their diapers or doing anything else momma would do for them.  However, there were times during the day that they HAD to have momma and cried for her.  It was no problem to hand them over with an understanding smile.

From the outside my reactions to the boys crying for momma was the same as when Cory was crying for momma.  My thought processes were totally different.  With A's boys I give no extra thought to their cries for momma or take it personal.  When Cory is crying for momma I automatically start to tell myself, "It's ok.  He knows Beezer as momma.  This isn't personal.  This doesn't mean he doesn't love me.  I can handle this fine."  Whether I need the affirmations or not it has become an automatic response.  The defenses kick in to protect my heart, mind and general emotional stability.

The realization hit me that I have no idea how deeply adoption has affected my life.  It continues to be more and more clear to me that adoption has and will affect EVERYTHING.  Not just the day to day.  Not just the relationship I have with current friends and family.  Not just my future family.  It effects my thoughts, my emotions, my decisions, my path, my future, the very core of who I am.

For the longest time I was resistant to believing adoption had any effect upon me at all.  I would talk about adoption casually as if it held no meaning for me (adoption, not Cory.  Two different things.)  I would insist that adoption was fine and all was well with me in regards to the subject.  It does not affect me in the way it affects everyone else.  Nope.  Not me.  I'm different.

Bull crap.

To steal from Shrek, "recovering" from adoption is like an onion.  There are many layers you have to go through as you deal with various aspects of the life changing experience.

One Lovely Blog Award

It isn't very often I receive an award of any kind so when Sally at The Adoptive Parent left me a comment telling me she nominated me I was a pleasantly surprised :)

The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 10* other blogs that you have newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

Todd at (A)Dad - It is nice to get an adoptive father's perspective.

Rebekah at Heart Cries - Recent adoptive mommy and very eloquent. She is connected forever with . . .

Rebekah at My Journey Through Motherhood, Life, and Now as a Birthmom - Recent birth mother to one and mommy to more. She is birth mother to the previous Rebekah's adopted child.

Jenni at In His Easy Yoke - She never fails to inspire me and give me much needed perspective.

Britney at Beauty for Ashes - You go girl :) Just love reading what she has to say.

Bears Mommy at On Incarus' Wings - Another woman who inspires me and gives me perspective.

PeWee at Meek, The Jerks and Me - I've been reading her for a while but she never gets old :)

Nicole at Life After First Mom - Recently found her. Still digging in and loving it so far.

Suz at Writing My Wrongs - Love how she writes so far.

There you have it! I hope you enjoy the links :)

*It is supposed to be 15 but I only had time to find 10.
P.S. If anyone would prefer I do not link you, please let me know and I will promptly remove it. Thanks!

Open Adoption Roundtable #6

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

Write about names/naming and open adoption.

I didn't have any particular names picked out for my son so at the first meeting with his would-be adoptive parents I let them know that they could choose his name. They were thrilled :) They had narrowed it down to two or three names and by the second meeting they said they wanted to name him Cory. I wasn't a huge fan of the name right off the bat but I figured it was their choice and they had to live with it. The name they chose with their last name, not mine, is what I wrote on the original birth certificate.

Later I found out they chose his first and middle name because of what it meant, not how it sounded or what relative held the name. It is exactly what I would have done and the name ended up fitting Cory very well.

Naming the child can put a lot of strain of the open adoption relationship or even be a deal breaker if you let it. For some people the name is everything and for others it doesn't really matter, like with me. Either way it is important to communicate so there are no misunderstandings and hurt feelings down the line. Most of the time I think it is best for the birth and adoptive parents to name the child together. Whether that means one set of parents picks the first name and the other picks the middle name, or if they combine two names to make one, they need to come to some sort of agreement and be upfront and clear about their wishes.

When it comes to finalization, if the adoptive parents decide to change the child's name it is their right. However, it would be beneficial if they would at least give the birth parents a heads up out of respect for the relationship. It would be best if renaming could be avoided all together, but obviously it happens and is sometimes necessary.

There are many different ways to go about naming a child of open adoption and for me it wasn't such a big deal to let the adoptive parents take the lead. I didn't want to become attached even more to my child by giving him a name and I justified that stance by saying it wasn't my child anyway. Now I look back and wish that I had taken a little more interest in the subject so one day I can tell Cory that I participated in giving him his name. I would encourage any expectant parent considering relinquishment to think of what they would name the child regardless of the outcome.

Open Adoption Roundtable #5

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even have a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

How has open adoption changed you? In what ways are you different because the presence of open adoption in your life?

There are many ways in which open adoption has changed me, but I want to focus on just one aspect of my life.

My friend A and I were friends long before I got pregnant with Cory; however, our friendship only grew as deep as it is because of Cory and open adoption. A and I were pregnant together. Both of us were having our first baby, both boys, and due within a month of each other. She was the first person to act genuinely excited when I told her I was pregnant. We were hanging out in the pool together and when I told her she hugged me with excitement and put our pregnant bellies next to each other to introduce our boys. She declared that day that they would be friends forever. So far she is right :).

A is friends with both me and Cory's adoptive parents. Some of you know that A is the one who first mentioned Scoot and Beezer to me as prospective adoptive parents and acted as an intermediary for us until I chose them. Beezer, A and I all became mothers at the same time. She has witnessed the whole relationship from both sides and it has allowed our friendship to grow deeper because she can understand what open adoption is about like no other friend I have.

More than just a friend, A has been a lifesaver. When I have been missing Cory and need to hold a little one, A has been more than willing to let me hold or play with her son who is only five weeks older than Cory. She lets me be surrogate mommy for a moment and change his diaper, feed him his bottle and take care of him. A has seen how the open adoption relationship blesses and curses both sides and that gives her the ability to support me more than if she was only seeing one side.

Without my open adoption relationship, A and I would not have the deep friendship that I cherish.