Motherhood Cut Short

"I never want to forget how incredible it feels to feel a little kick from the inside; saying hello. Reminding me of the miracle growing inside. Reminding me of the miracles that are all around me. Reminding me of the miracle of new life and the miracle of my life. And how blessed I am. When he kicks from the inside, I smile every time at this brand new feeling. And realize all the feelings he will have to look forward to. All the feelings I will get to teach him about; like finger painting on butcher paper and rolling cookie dough into shapes and blowing bubbles in the shade and jumping into salty waves of the pacific and learning how to sound out words on the page. I imagine the newness of how it feels to swing on a swing-set and sit on dad's knee and ride a horse and run a race and spit out watermelon seeds and see snowflakes fall and build blanket forts and hear the boom of fireworks. I want him to feel all of these feelings. Because I want to give him the same thrill that his little kicks give me. I already love him. He will always know the feeling of love. " - Marta Dansie

Having pregnant friends makes me acutely aware of my motherhood cut short.  Two of my close friends are pregnant: one due in September and the other in December.  Both of them are comfortable asking me questions about being pregnant and giving birth.  I love being able to assure them that everything is okay, certain cravings are normal, and giving birth is not as scary as that lady describes it (you all know that lady, I'm sure).  I love sharing my experience with them (it was a good one!) and help in any way I can. 

Of course, there are parts of my pregnancy experience I omit since they don't apply.  Rarely will I tell the mom-to-be that I was emotionally torn inside and out every single day  I carried Cory or that I wasn't fond of the kicks from inside.  (It wasn't until a couple years after they were gone that I realized how much I had cherished those little kicks.)  My friends won't know how crushed and terrified I was when my water broke and the end of my motherhood began.  They get to hear the diluted version of the flood of emotions I experienced every day for nine months.  Even without all those details I still hold information that is useful to them.  I can still tell them about growing bigger, stupid comments people make and how to avoid strangers rubbing your belly as if it were a magic lamp.

Then I reach the end of the story of Cory's birth and that's it.  I have nothing to offer after that.  I can't tell my dear friends about taking Cory home, the sleepless nights, what breastfeeding is like, how many diapers you go through in a month, his first smile, first time he walked, teaching him to ride a bike, how to enjoy a sunny day, none of the usual memories a mother would should have to share.  Those are all memories and stories to be shared by another mother.

"I imagine the newness of how it feels to swing on a swing-set and sit on dad's knee and ride a horse and run a race and spit out watermelon seeds and see snowflakes fall and build blanket forts and hear the boom of fireworks. I want him to feel all of these feelings . . . I already love him. He will always know the feeling of love." 

Even though our stories are different, my friends and I all have the same dreams and desires for our children.  We dream of the experiences they will have, the things we (or other people) will teach them, and we all know that we love our children before they are born.  In this my motherhood continues from the sidelines of Cory's life. 

So far it has been easy to rejoice with my friends and the turn their lives are taking.  I know this may change once the babies are born and I am "left behind" as their motherhood journey continues.  For now, I couldn't be happier for them :).  One of them invited me to her 3D ultrasound appointment last Friday.  It was amazing to see her little boy!  We can already tell that he has her nose and stubborn personality :).  I can't wait to meet him!