I have never gone this long without seeing Cory. The last time I saw him was on Mother's Day and I wasn't excited about seeing him and his parents even then. It has been so hard to admit to myself, let alone other people, that I do not want to see Cory, Scoot and Beezer at this time. I just can't handle it.
Did I blog about babysitting Cory by myself a while back? I think it was in April or so. Cory was sick and I was babysitting by myself so I had to do a lot of motherly type things like wiping his nose, taking his temperature, giving him medicine, basically being "mommy" for a bit. It sucked. I can't handle playing mommy and experiencing the exact thing I ignorantly signed away over three years ago. It has totally put me off visits, emails, phone calls, any kind of contact with the family. Beezer has sent me text messages saying they miss me and we should get together. It is nice and I always respond but never commit to a time. It helps that we have both been busy so it isn't hard to avoid getting together and lengthy explanations of my struggles.
There really isn't a purpose to this post. I guess I feel like it needs to be out there for some reason. One day/week/month/year I'm gung ho about seeing them and praising the benefits of our open adoption relationship. The next I'm wishing I could close the door on that part of my life . . . at least for now. The ebb and flow is exhausting and I try my best to not drag anyone along with me. (That sentence could be an entire post by itself.) So yeah, guess that is it for now.
Sunday Secrets
8 hours ago
3 comments:
(((SJ)))
Thanks for sharing what's going on with you and in your mind and heart. Can I tell you that if/when DD's mom would experience these feelings, I hope she would tell me. Not that she "owes" it to me by any means, and not that she answers to me -- that's not at all where I'm going with that. But if I were pressing for a visit that she just couldn't handle at that time (for any myriad of reasons), I hope she'd kindly just tell me to back off. *wink*
On another topic, HOW is Cory almost four?? That means three isn't far behind for my girl... *gulp* :)
She hasn't pushed very hard for a visit which is why I haven't felt the need or wanted to tell her what is going on with me. Also, they had family in town a lot lately so they have been distracted from our relationship :)
I may tell her at some point, but I hesitate to "dump" that on her, kwim? It is hard enough dealing with it within myself without having to worry about someone else processing it if that makes any sense. You give good feedback though so I'm going to highly consider talking to her if we see each other this weekend.
And yeah, I have no idea how Cory got to be almost 4! It is scary, exciting, sad, happy, all of that :) I can't believe your girl is almost three!
Another amazing post I must say. You are so great with spitting it all out in words. I am going to say I think you should talk to her about how you feel. Yes it may make it abit ackward but at the same time it may releive some of your bottled up emotions. Adoption is nothing like they play in the movies, or even the way I read about in some books. They never talk about the emotions that you feel and think your not suppose to. I believe one day our children will see past all of that and know us for us not the great people that people make us out to be, or who they expect us to be, but simply us. I remember way back when when I talked to you about how to bring up wanting less visits and you said to me talk to his mom she will understand. I think Cory's mom will as well, it may be hard to swallow at first, but she will understand. Its not that you don't want to see him it all its just you want it to be on your terms which is completely acceptable.
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