Open Adoption Roundtable #25

I know I have been gone for a while.  Sorry about that!  I'm going to attempt to get back into blogging at least a little bit.  To start off I'm going to participate in this month's Open Adoption Roundtable.

Has open adoption ever felt like too much? Have you ever wanted to walk away?

Umm . . . YES.  There have been a few times that I have felt like open adoption is too much to handle and wanted to walk away.  I blogged a little about wanting the relationship to be more closed back in 2007 and currently I am in a position of temporarily wanting less contact.  Managing the relationship can be very tiring emotionally and physically.  There are times I am simply not up for putting in the effort, either because I do not want to or I cannot do it.

Remember when I blogged about babysitting and Cory crying out for his mama?  It is moments like those that best illustrate what makes open adoption so hard.  You get to see your child, but in the arms of another woman.  You can try to console him/her, but they are crying for someone else.  You notice the little personality quirks that you gave him/her, but you are not comfortable pointing it out and openly taking pride in being part of such a beautiful creation.  Moments like those make me want to walk away to take the route of self-preservation.

No matter how much I have wanted to walk away at times I know I cannot.  I stay for Cory and for myself.  Without our open relationship I would know nothing about the person he is becoming.  There is so much I would miss out on.  The questions I would have about who he is would literally drive me crazy.  Open adoption has allowed me to know the color of his eyes, watch him grow, see his first tooth, first smile, play games with him and discover his blossoming skills and talents.  Knowing that I will be around for him when/if he has questions about the beginning of his story gives me peace.  He may never need me in his life but I am here if he does.